Prepare For The Alien Invasion — Building The Ultimate Alien Invasion Bugout Bag

Prepare For The Alien Invasion — Building The Ultimate Alien Invasion Bugout Bag

  • Post category:Satire
  • Post last modified:July 1, 2023
  • Post comments:2 Comments
  • Reading time:15 mins read
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Listen To This Article and Prepare For The Alien Invasion:

Today’s topic has that distinct, irresistible scent of impending doom mixed with just a dash of an overripe compost heap — “Prepare For The Alien Invasion — Building The Ultimate Alien Invasion Bugout Bag.”

Welcome, preppers, to self-reliance 2.0 — the final step toward logical and common sense prepping. Advanced preparedness for the serious, no-nonsense kind of person determined never to be caught with their pant’s down. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, I won’t judge.

One of the key objectives for Self-Reliance 2.0 is, obviously, “Preparing for an Alien Invasion,” and today we’ll begin by building the ultimate bugout bag of essentials to either fight, evade, or befriend these weak-bodied but highly intelligent distant neighbors.

This article is to help the advanced prepper valiant enough to dare a chuckle in the face of potential intergalactic threats!

Preppers ain’t scared because we is prepared!

Brian D. Hawkins

I won’t insult you with another prepping checklist of items for your Alien Invasion bugout bag — you’re an expert at this stage of your preparedness journey. Consider this as only inspiration covering a few ideas since the interstellar threat we certainly face is about as wide as the eyes of a Joe Biden audience and as unpredictable as his next gaffe.

Food – Just in case we can’t fight them all off, we need to be prepared for that long ride in their starship, at least for the time we’re not in a cryogenic state. Make sure to stock up on plenty of freeze-dried space food. It takes lightyears to travel to other worlds, and who knows what kind of thing they serve in their alien cafeteria? You know the food is going to still be crawling. Every prepper knows the best long-term foods are livestock. Well, unless we ARE the livestock.

Signs, 2002 movie
Signs, a 2002 movie with Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, Abigail Breslin.

Water – and lots of it – Does anyone remember the movie years ago where the aliens were defeated because water killed them? [Signs – 2002 with Mel Gibson – Great Movie] Well, I believe that. I mean, you know Hollywood has been in touch with aliens for years. So bring enough to drink but have enough for a splash weapon in case you catch one of them with their suit off. See how simple that is. Don’t make prepping hard. It’s the small ideas that work.

Bathroom device – Don’t act like you haven’t heard how our astronauts use the bathroom up in space. There are certain things you just don’t want floating around you.

You’ll never appreciate gravity until you’ve pooped in space.

Brian D. Hawkins

Footwear – Forget about your survival bunker and stockpiling canned goods because those aliens are going to take one look at our planet, and you’re gonna have to peace out faster than you can say, “Mars Attacks!” Instead, invest in a good pair of running shoes because when those extraterrestrial creatures come knocking on our doors, we’re going to need to run like Forrest Gump.

Alien repellent spray – You’ll need a devilishly potent alien repellent spray laced with Covid because, hey, according to Fauci, by the time aliens arrive, we’d all have herd immunity by now. Yep, covid should take them critters out like flapjacks at a square dance.

Tin foil hat – Never underestimate the power of a good tin foil hat. Not only are they chic and shimmering, shinier than a water crouton over whisky soup, but they also prevent aliens from mental probing your noggin, although tin foil can’t save you from Google.

USS FORD – If you are a true Second Amendment supporter, we’re entitled to own and operate our own version of the USS FORD with laser weapons. Forget what you thought you knew about aircraft carriers. They aren’t just for those pesky in-laws anymore!

Concealed carry crickets – Also, keep a noisy cricket handy for concealed carry — it’s a multi-use tool that everyone will envy. A noisy cricket, we’ll call him Jiminy, will sound familiar enough to the aliens that they may believe you are one of them. It will distract the aliens as they attempt to decipher the cricket language, ignoring the random gibberish coming out of your mouth.

Keep in mind that crickets make for a great emergency meat source for survivalists if you don’t squish them in your pocket.

Ear plugs – Speaking of crickets, our very own Jeff B. recommends earplugs to help with the alien voices so annoying that the sound knocks people to the ground. Why do they all sound like John Fetterman underwater trying to pass a kidney stone? It’s beyond me.

Required phone app – Remember to keep your Interstellar Department of Corrections phone app updated. It pays to know if the alien trying to abduct you has a rap sheet longer than a list of banned thoughts by the social media cabal!

Decoder ring – Next is a necessary gadget – a decoder ring so you can communicate with the aliens. Just like the ones from the breakfast cereal boxes but more otherworldly. This ring translates names like “Klaatu barada nikto” and useful alien phrases, like “your mother was a socialist, and your father smelt of garlic tincture.”

Universal translator app – The universal translator for alien languages. You might forget your decoder ring, but you’ll never leave without being able to phone home. This works well with the ‘one is none, two is one’ cliché. Since alien talk is so hard to decipher, you’ll always want that second layer of prep.

Gort instruction manual – A good Gort instruction manual is as essential as a crop circle interpretation book. Let’s face it, folks, just because nothin’s ever stood still around here doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

Fake alien head mask – For the “gray man” crowd, you can’t go wrong with a fake alien head mask. It’s like Halloween year-round but with less candy corn and more existential dread. You don’t want to stand out like a spitting mad Karen at an anarcho-capitalist convention without a single mask or clot shot in the bunch. The gray man strategy will help prevent abduction.

Reese’s Pieces – Speaking of candy, nothing soothes an ET more than Reese’s Pieces. This is ET we’re talking about here! Don’t try to get away with some kind of knockoff candy. You want to have the real thing. This isn’t the time to skimp on preps.

Alien Preparedness EDC

Alien Preparedness EDC

Alien everyday carry is a personal choice, but who wouldn’t see the value in a Sonic Screwdriver or a Lightsaber?

A hand-held Phaser can split or explode material, start a fire, or just stun a belligerent off-worlder. If stealing technology from Star Trek, Dr. Who, or Star Wars is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. And who knows when you’ll need to cut open a Tauntaun for warmth?

You’ll also need a hypospray loaded with the fish antibiotics recommended by Old Doc Bones (Aff).

Bonus Section – The Ultimate Tacticool Bugout Spaceship


Tweaked out TARDIS – The Ultimate Tacticool Bugout Spaceship – The TARDIS has been the ultimate hybrid of the time machine and spacecraft since 1963, and it will never go out of style. With the whole time machine thing… Well, you know what I mean.

If you can convince Not-Frank to loan you enough Bitcoin, your TARDIS can be built to specs with things like a dash-mounted and removable medical tricorder. A medical tricorder will come in handy after all those Reese’s Pieces you couldn’t resist.

Don’t forget the replicator option. A high-end replicator will allow you to make food, parts, hammer, nails, etc. And we’re talking about Jeff B’s hammers and nails here! A replicator will be welcome comfort for making those late-night alien invasion munchies.

The TARDIS no longer comes standard with a Warp Drive booster, so this upgrade is essential to bug out of target range in a hurry.

Wrapping Up Prepare For The Alien Invasion — Building The Ultimate Alien Invasion Bugout Bag

Now, if you can fit all of this in your bugout bag, then congratulations! You’ve just completed the world’s weirdest scavenger hunt and are prepared for the alien invasion.

The alien invasion is sure to hit us as hard as Y2K did. You don’t want to be left holding the flashlight when the aliens are equipped with ray guns and spaceships. Sure, you might see the cost of alien invasion preps drop as they flood eBay, but that’s better than waiting for the shelves to run dry of alien-repellent spray with the pending supply line disruptions the attack will cause.

I’m sure all the King’s congress and all of the King’s media will try to protect us as King Biden sits masked up in his basement, but that’s not how we prepare in the self-reliant community. We take responsibility for our sheep and ignore the labels.

Don’t worry, I understand self-reliance 2.0 is new, so hopefully, with your help, we can put together enough ideas to help others prepare for the Alien invasion. This is new to me as well, so do your part and enter your alien prep ideas in the comments below. This will be our ultimate prepping challenge. Literally out of this world!

This article was inspired and crowdsourced by the best and most advanced prepping community ever! You can look into joining the fun at the Ready Your Future Exclusive Email Group by Todd Sepulveda ~ Where You’re Not Alone!

Now go get that secret tin foil hat hiding in your closet and build your Alien Invasion Bugout Bag today. You don’t want to become an exhibit piece a hundred light years away. You can thank us later.

I invite you to my list. It’s free, and I don’t overwhelm you with daily emails. It’s not a newsletter. It’s a way to get these articles sent directly to your email or when I have something important to say. Check it out.


Featured image credit: Kathrynne from Pixabay & Prepago from CleanPNG.

Tardis image credit: sinepax from Pixabay

Brian Hawkins

Father, grandfather, Veteran, animal lover, law-abiding taxpayer, homeowner, trucker, and a United States Citizen. Oh, and I'm also a prepper, survivalist, responsible gun owner, and hiker.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Leam

    Hopefully won’t find a book that says “To Serve Man.” It’s a cookbook. (LOL the title of an old TV series episode)

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